Looking back five months

I struggled with depression at about the age of 14. I am not sure exactly what triggered it, but I think I can attribute it to a couple of different things.
For one, my dad was getting worse and worse with his drinking. I was beginning to resent him for not protecting me from certain things and neglecting myself and the rest of my family. It was becoming too much to handle at once. I was getting tired of the same old crap from him.
My brother had found himself a serious girlfriend he began spending every second with. I think it was his way of getting away from my dad and the way he treated us. Alex and I had always been a package deal. As much as we fought, I felt safe around him. He would stick up and fight for me. The two of us had to grow up pretty early, and we did it together. Now he had left me behind, many times to deal with my belligerant Dad.
My mom was working a lot as well, and she was finding other ways to be absent. The stress of their marriage and my dad's drinking was taking a toll on her especially. She didn't really know what to do with him anymore and he was drinking away a lot of our money.

Then there was me. I was left alone. I tried to be gone as much as possible. I would dread coming home from school everyday, but I also hated going to school everyday. I didn't have a lot of friends and was still being made fun of (yes, in 8th grade) on a regular basis.

Every morning I woke up I wanted to die. I didn't know what the point was in living. I felt like no one gave a shit. I felt like nothing. I would think about what life would be like without me, and I decided things would have probably be better. They couldn't get any worse.
I thought about death a lot. Mostly about killing myself and saving my family and friends the trouble of dealing with me. I had convinced myself that their lives would be better if I was gone.

So I started writing a letter. THE letter, to be exact. The one that I would leave behind when my soul would leave earth. I wanted peace so badly. I wanted to be happy again, and I couldn't see that being a reality for me. Ever again. I just wanted to be done with everything and everyone I knew.

I planned it out. I knew a time when no one would be home. I had the letter done. I had a knife. I was so set on it.

Something stopped me. To this day, I can't tell you what it was. All I know is that all of a sudden, while sitting in the middle of my living room looking at my wrist and holding a kitchen knife, something filled me. A calm came over me and I felt warm. And this whole situation felt wrong. I dropped the knife and pulled out my Bible (random, I thought) and started reading. I laid in my bed curled up reading, crying my eyes out.

I had almost taken my own life because I thought I had nothing to live for, as an 8th grader! I couldn't see past my own pain. I couldn't see that there was an answer. That no matter how shitty things got, there would be someone there for me.

Eventually my depression got to the point where people noticed. And my mom found out eventually that I had thought about suicide, although I don't think she realized how close I was. I began going to youth group with some friends who knew I desired a church but didn't have one. Thus began my spiritual renewing and a clear purpose for my life.

I found hope in one of my favorite verses I stumbled across that night I almost killed myself: "He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever" (Rev. 21:4).

Last semester, I was falling into this pattern again. I woke up everyday and didn't understand why I was here. I wanted to leave school because I absolutely hated it. I was working myself to death and therefore time with God was stretched. I didn't feel I had anyone to turn to. All the people who were trying to help me I successfully pushed away, even though I wasn't doing it consciously. I was so afraid to let people in, and I still am. Always will be.

I have a hard time asking for help. And I didn't want anyone to know how I was feeling, because I remembered exactly how it escalated last time. I didn't want it to get that far. So I denied that it was happening for a really long time. I thought that not acknowledging it was the best way to go. Unfortunately people saw right through that. And I was a pretty unpleasant person to be around.

How great am I blessed? God has put a lot of positive people in my life. I just wish I could find it in myself to open up to them and trust them. If only I could trust God as well--things would work out a lot better.

Trust violated is tough to get back. Someday I might dismantle that wall I build between myself and everyone else I know.

The future as of the present

So I am sitting here trying to come up with an idea for this stupid essay for Dennis. And I find myself with few things to care about at the present moment. I have had a lot of things on my mind lately and classes are far from it.

I have found myself wondering what I will do after college. I am going to be graduating with a teaching degree, but I am worried that it is not what I really want to do with my life. What if I get in the classroom and hate it? Is this really what I want to commit my life to?

What if I decided to work with animals instead? Or better yet, I could combine the two and work in conservation education. That is probably why I love my summer job. There is so much to know in the field of conservation and it is noble work. Someone needs to do it, it might as well be me.

But I chickened out. It’s not that I don’t love the major I am in right now. I am just not sure if I love it AS MUCH as something else. Something I have felt a calling towards for a long time.

Unfortunately, a lot of people around me don’t understand the importance this has in my life. They don’t get what I am passionate about. Therefore, they don’t get me. I have a friend who has been somewhat scolding me and trying to be my mother about this situation. She is encouraging me to follow what I really want and possibly rethink my whole college career. I will have wasted four years on a degree I don't want. And I understand where she is coming from. But I really don’t know what to do about this.

Too much going on right now. This started out as a stupid free write for class. And now I ended up worse off than before.

Hurting

Hurt is inevitable. I have just accepted it as a normal part of my life that I must deal with. As much as I care about someone, I have to accept that they have the potential to hurt me in some way, whether emotionally or physically.

But I get tired of the whole deal. When will I be able to live freely without this looming fear? When will I finally put my foot down and quit allowing other people to take advantage of me and hurt me?

I am a doormat for so many that I don't know how to stand up for myself. Unfortunately, I don't know how to get myself out of this.

I pretty much wait for the moment when someone hurts me. If I wait around and expect it, then it won't hurt as much. At least that is the hope. But I gotta tell you, it doesn't ease the pain at all. It still hurts just as much when someone leaves you hanging out to dry.

I hate having that void. That space that people leave when they take that part of you.

I can't wear that ring anymore. I don't have that part of myself and because of that, I feel like a fraud wearing it. And my greatest fear is that someday, when I meet someone worthwhile, that will be a deal breaker for them. And I won't be able to hold on to what I have.

I can tell myself that I don't care, but that is my feeble attempt at pretending I am okay. I am finally ready to say that I am not okay.

I am not okay with the way people treat each other.
I am not okay with the way people treat me.
I am not okay with the injustice we live with every day.
I am not okay with what a lot of what has happened.
I am not okay with losing part of myself.

But I have to be okay with the fact that I will never get that back. I just hate settling.


***On an unrelated note: WHY THE HECK IS IT SNOWING AT THE END OF APRIL? SOMEONE PLEASE WARM THIS PLACE UP!

New to this

So I don't know why I decided to create a blog. It just seemed to be a good idea tonight. It may be because I am feeling extra sentimental and reflective. Or maybe this is my way of laying it all out. I don't really know the cause, but here I am.

Lately I have just felt misunderstood. And I have felt like I am just a horrible person. I don't know where this feeling is coming from, but some of the people I care about most think ill of me. For a situation they aren't well informed of. But I know that my work is not in vain, as much as people may try to make me feel that way.

I want to be done with everything right now. And it would be really great if I could take a break from life and just rest. It has been a while since that has happened. I wish I could remember what that feels like.