Hurting

Hurt is inevitable. I have just accepted it as a normal part of my life that I must deal with. As much as I care about someone, I have to accept that they have the potential to hurt me in some way, whether emotionally or physically.

But I get tired of the whole deal. When will I be able to live freely without this looming fear? When will I finally put my foot down and quit allowing other people to take advantage of me and hurt me?

I am a doormat for so many that I don't know how to stand up for myself. Unfortunately, I don't know how to get myself out of this.

I pretty much wait for the moment when someone hurts me. If I wait around and expect it, then it won't hurt as much. At least that is the hope. But I gotta tell you, it doesn't ease the pain at all. It still hurts just as much when someone leaves you hanging out to dry.

I hate having that void. That space that people leave when they take that part of you.

I can't wear that ring anymore. I don't have that part of myself and because of that, I feel like a fraud wearing it. And my greatest fear is that someday, when I meet someone worthwhile, that will be a deal breaker for them. And I won't be able to hold on to what I have.

I can tell myself that I don't care, but that is my feeble attempt at pretending I am okay. I am finally ready to say that I am not okay.

I am not okay with the way people treat each other.
I am not okay with the way people treat me.
I am not okay with the injustice we live with every day.
I am not okay with what a lot of what has happened.
I am not okay with losing part of myself.

But I have to be okay with the fact that I will never get that back. I just hate settling.


***On an unrelated note: WHY THE HECK IS IT SNOWING AT THE END OF APRIL? SOMEONE PLEASE WARM THIS PLACE UP!