Sleepless thoughts

I said goodbye to a dear friend tonight. A friend that I won't be seeing for quite sometime. I guess you could say that he is my "rock" when I am living in Portland. I feel comfortable talking to him about anything. He keeps me sane when I am tired of being here.

I will soon be out of consistent communication with some other friends that I care a lot about. Some other people who keep me sane when it seems like things are falling apart. I feel as though I have nobody. And the fault rests with me.

Because in the last nine months, I have allowed myself to need other people. I kept myself from feeling that way for a long time. I knew how dangerous it could be to depend on other people, especially when they let you down. As a result, I became an island.

But we all know that no man (or woman) is an island. Eventually you have to venture out and get the things you need.

What I needed were people who loved me. And up until now, I haven't admitted that because I have never allowed myself to need people. The closest I came to needing people was my family, but I have learned that I can live without them. I have slowly began pushing them out of my life, unintentionally. I never meant to, but I learned to get by without them.

Because, in the end, we will all end up alone. And we have to deal with that scary truth. So I began preparing myself for that truth a long time ago.

So I find myself here tonight, feeling utterly alone. It is no one's fault but my own, and I am sure people tire of me talking about how bored I am, blah blah blah.

But I don't want to feel like this all summer. And it is looking to be a pretty lonely summer already, and I still have 2 and a half months left.

So I am going to try and sleep now. Lately it has been hit or miss.

In like...

So, there is this boy... and I hate to be too girly right now, but until I came back home I didn't realize how much I miss him. I didn't anticipate feeling this way. But here is the truth:

I have been fighting my feelings for him for the past year. For the situation I was in, I felt like it wasn't the right time. And throughout the past school year, we have been on and off with our timing.

Now that I haven't seen him for like three weeks, I realize that I really do care about him. A lot more than I thought I did. And there comes a time when I have to stop lying to myself and face the way I feel.

If I don't say anything to him and let him know how I feel, I will always wonder if he felt the same way. And I don't want to leave anything in my life to regret.

I need to finally take the plunge and tell him how I feel. Risk being shut down. Risk being hurt by someone else in my life. However, I don't know if I can handle being rejected by him. I care too much about him. He is one of my best friends.

The shit will hit the fan in about two weeks. I will see him again.

I imagine that when I see him in the Washington D.C. airport, my heart will tell me exactly how I feel. I will know, at that moment, if this is real. If it is, and the time is right, I am going to tell him. Because I can't keep making excuses for myself.

Eventually we have to grow up and own up to what we want. I just hope that I can do the same.

Thoughts thus far

I have been home from school for about two weeks now. I haven't done much at all yet because work hasn't started. I have really just sat around and slept. Which isn't all that great.

Three days of nothing is fine. But two weeks is getting exhausting. Suffocating. I can't handle being idle so long. I have been so restless. I really need to get a life.

I also miss my friends. A lot. My family has become so different. They don't have any ambition or drive in their lives. At school, I am surrounded by people that are constantly working towards something and so they understand the struggles I go through. They see me everyday, at my best and my worst. I love my family, but I don't think I belong here. I can't see myself living here for an extended period of time after school gets out.

I saw one of my friends yesterday and had to say goodbye to her. I won't get to talk to her or my best friend until August. My best friend from home, Tyler, is only home for a week and a half. Then he will be gone for the rest of the summer. I don't know how I am going to make it. I am already falling apart. I laid in bed and cried last night because yesterday was the best I have felt since I came home. And I won't get that for a long time.

Because I am stuck here in this hellhole, I trying to find something productive. So I want to write. But I want something worthwhile. Something epic. I want something honest and amazing that other people will read and think "Wow, she is brilliant." But I don't know if I can do that. I am not sure if I can pull it together. Or be honest enough with myself.

I believe to write, you must be honest and frank. People see through bullshit pretty quick.

Overall, I am just hurting. Aching for people. And I have never really allowed myself to NEED anyone. Life is much easier that way. When you need people, you have the potential to be hurt. And I am just so sick of being hurt.