Sleepless thoughts

I said goodbye to a dear friend tonight. A friend that I won't be seeing for quite sometime. I guess you could say that he is my "rock" when I am living in Portland. I feel comfortable talking to him about anything. He keeps me sane when I am tired of being here.

I will soon be out of consistent communication with some other friends that I care a lot about. Some other people who keep me sane when it seems like things are falling apart. I feel as though I have nobody. And the fault rests with me.

Because in the last nine months, I have allowed myself to need other people. I kept myself from feeling that way for a long time. I knew how dangerous it could be to depend on other people, especially when they let you down. As a result, I became an island.

But we all know that no man (or woman) is an island. Eventually you have to venture out and get the things you need.

What I needed were people who loved me. And up until now, I haven't admitted that because I have never allowed myself to need people. The closest I came to needing people was my family, but I have learned that I can live without them. I have slowly began pushing them out of my life, unintentionally. I never meant to, but I learned to get by without them.

Because, in the end, we will all end up alone. And we have to deal with that scary truth. So I began preparing myself for that truth a long time ago.

So I find myself here tonight, feeling utterly alone. It is no one's fault but my own, and I am sure people tire of me talking about how bored I am, blah blah blah.

But I don't want to feel like this all summer. And it is looking to be a pretty lonely summer already, and I still have 2 and a half months left.

So I am going to try and sleep now. Lately it has been hit or miss.