Thoughts thus far

I have been home from school for about two weeks now. I haven't done much at all yet because work hasn't started. I have really just sat around and slept. Which isn't all that great.

Three days of nothing is fine. But two weeks is getting exhausting. Suffocating. I can't handle being idle so long. I have been so restless. I really need to get a life.

I also miss my friends. A lot. My family has become so different. They don't have any ambition or drive in their lives. At school, I am surrounded by people that are constantly working towards something and so they understand the struggles I go through. They see me everyday, at my best and my worst. I love my family, but I don't think I belong here. I can't see myself living here for an extended period of time after school gets out.

I saw one of my friends yesterday and had to say goodbye to her. I won't get to talk to her or my best friend until August. My best friend from home, Tyler, is only home for a week and a half. Then he will be gone for the rest of the summer. I don't know how I am going to make it. I am already falling apart. I laid in bed and cried last night because yesterday was the best I have felt since I came home. And I won't get that for a long time.

Because I am stuck here in this hellhole, I trying to find something productive. So I want to write. But I want something worthwhile. Something epic. I want something honest and amazing that other people will read and think "Wow, she is brilliant." But I don't know if I can do that. I am not sure if I can pull it together. Or be honest enough with myself.

I believe to write, you must be honest and frank. People see through bullshit pretty quick.

Overall, I am just hurting. Aching for people. And I have never really allowed myself to NEED anyone. Life is much easier that way. When you need people, you have the potential to be hurt. And I am just so sick of being hurt.